I will not begin to say that I have emotionally recovered from the feelings of grief that accompanied my last breakup, but I have learned a few things about dating as a single parent and about positive parenting through periods of grief, and as a parent with disabilities.
I have learned that it is not necessary to call a moratorium on dating until our young children are graduated and out of the house. It is possible to protect them by setting up clear boundaries from the beginning. “I am your parent. He is your friend” lines in the sand are safe and acceptable. With the rising number of single-parent homes headed by fathers, it is vitally important that women not allow themselves to be fitted for a mommy t-shirt and thrust into the role of being committed to a child with no substantial commitment from the father. And vice versa – it is difficult for men to walk away from the children to whom they have become attached as well. Maintaining boundaries from the beginning spares everyone involved from dealing with the steamy aftermath when a “just add water” pseudo-family evaporates.
It is normal to grieve the loss of a loved one, and normal to cry when one is grieving. Let your children cry. Also, let them be angry. Give them voice to that anger, be it with crayons or a ball that holds up to a lot of kicking.
Believe it or not, it IS okay to be a quitter. There is no honor in clinging to something that adds no value to one’s life. It takes away the energy and time needed for the people and endeavors that hold true importance and meaning in your life when we turn away from those that only hold meaning or importance because of our own stubborn illusions.
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2 comments:
Sorry about the Dana persona, that's my alter ego. It's Missygail.
I just wanted to say that I'm of two minds. It just seems so much easier to just wait until the kids are nearly grown before doing the living in thing.
I've thought about living with someone again along with the kids and there's so many things that I don't want to give up because there's this other person in our house. Or having to have the children be quiet when this person has a headache or is tired from a hard day.
Whenever you have a relationship, children just seem to suddenly imagine all sorts of things. I know mine do... I'm finding myself at a point where I'm thinking about leaving my current relationship and I'm scared because I know the kids had all these high hopes of living with Mommy and mommy's boyfriend, whom they all like.
My boyfriend and I have had this one and off thing before and when we got back together the kids actually cheered. How am I supposed to turn around and destroy that, even though I'm not happy and the relationship takes too much??
The whole dating thing while having children is just too hard. I'm just about ready to just hang up my dating shoes and put on the house shoes (aka mommy shoes) for another ten years or better.
Hopefully things are getting better after the break-up. I know it can be hard not to "cling" to things that do not "add value" -Whether it be a friendship or romance. And I agree there does need to be boundaries & not have your kids be dragged thru messes with every Tom,Dick,& Mary -Good Luck
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